Bad-mouthing your ex in front of your children – don’t do it

Divorce and custody litigation can bring out the worst in many people. Emotions run high. Some people cannot resist the temptation to say something nasty or inappropriate to their kids about the other parent. Some parents even try to poison their children against the other parent. When a parent acts in a vindictive manner towards the other parent, this wreaks havoc with the child.

Jonathan C. Noble, Esq.Some parents make the same mistakes over and over, by continually bad-mouthing their former spouse. This can negatively impact your children as they grow up into young adulthood and beyond. Whenever a child hears one parent bash the other parent, the child can suffer. Continual bad-mouthing by either parent can slowly damage a child’s sense of self-esteem. Some people call continual bad-mouthing in the presence of a child “death by a thousand cuts”.

I have seen custody cases where one spouse simply cannot control their own contemptuous, bad-mouthing-of-the-ex-spouse. Remarkably, for some reason, after sharing a life with the targeted spouse and having children with the targeted spouse, the bad-mouthing spouse cannot stop speaking in derogatory terms about the other spouse in the presence of the children. In one recent case, not even a court order could subdue ongoing ad hominem attacks by a mother about her ex, in front of her young children.

Why am I writing about this issue?

First, under the Pennsylvania Child Custody Statute, bad-mouthing your ex could be considered an attempt to turn a child against the other parent. This must be taken into consideration when a court is being asked to modify custody of a minor child. Bad-mouthing conduct may be difficult to prove in court, but it is not impossible to prove. Talk to a family law attorney with experience in this area. For some reason, some parents just cannot seem to stop themselves from bad-mouthing their ex, even though they know bad-mouthing their ex is hurting their children. This may seem counter-intuitive, but it is true.

Second, a few years ago I read Divorce Poison – How to Protect Your Family from Bad-Mouthing and Brainwashing by Dr. Richard A. Warshak. I consider it a must-read for any parent involved in a high-conflict divorce. It is available on Amazon for about $10.00. Read the reviews on Amazon. (You will thank me later).

If you, or someone you know, feel you can’t control the temptation of bad-mouthing your ex in front of your children, I urge you to read the book and seek professional help, before you hurt your children. If you are the targeted parent, the book is full of useful suggestions to protect yourself and your relationship with your children.  You will be doing your children a great service by understanding how much it hurts a child when they hear a parent speak negatively about the other parent.

If you are the targeted parent, I also recommend you refuse to “fight fire with fire”. Always take the high road, despite the path your ex may choose. Do the next “right” thing. Your kids will be grateful.

Kids are defenseless against the ill-advised actions of a bad-mouthing or brainwashing parent. Think twice before saying anything that could be perceived by a child as being negative or bad-mouthing. Kids are smarter than some adults realize. The negative things you say in front of your children today, may come back to hurt you as they grow up. Think about it.

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Factors family law judges in Pennsylvania must consider in a custody case – a basic overview

by Jonathan C. Noble, Esq.   5 minute read

Think about the facts of your child custody case and how the court will analyze your case specific facts, using the sixteen child custody factors as a lens. 

A few years ago, the Pennsylvania legislature enacted a new child custody law. An important part of the new law requires family court judges in Pennsylvania to consider at least sixteen separate

Jonathan C. Noble, Esq.
Jonathan C. Noble, Esq.

factors when ordering any form of custody. Not every factor will be relevant in every custody matter. If you are in the midst of a divorce or separation in Pennsylvania, and you cannot come to a custody agreement with the other parent of the child (or children) involved, you should familiarize yourself with the 16 custody factors. Family law courts in Pennsylvania must use the 16 factors contained in the new custody law to guide their custody decisions. The polestar consideration is, was and always will be “what is in the best interests of the child”.

Here below are the sixteen Pennsylvania child custody factors. Think about how your specific situation will be viewed by a judge using the custody factors as a lens. The custody factors may also be found under 23 Pa.C.S. §5328(a) in the Pennsylvania Consolidated Statutes.

§5328. Factors to consider when awarding custody.  

(a) Factors — In ordering any form of custody, the court shall determine the best interests of the child by considering all relevant factors, giving weighted consideration to those factors which affect the safety of the child, including the following:

(1) Which party is more likely to encourage and permit frequent and continuing contact between the child and another party.

(2) The present and past abuse committed by a party or member of a party’s household, whether there is a continued risk of harm to the child or an abused party and which party can better provide adequate physical safeguards and supervision of the child.

(2.1) The information set forth in section 5329.1(a) (relating to consideration of child abuse and involvement with protective services).

(3) The parental duties performed by each party on behalf of the child.

(4) The need for stability and continuity in the child’s education, family life and community life.

(5) Availability of extended family.

(6) The child’s sibling relationships.

(7) The well-reasoned preference of the child, based on the child’s maturity and judgement.

(8) The attempts of a parent to turn the child  against the other parent, except in cases of domestic violence where reasonable safety measures are necessary to protect the child from harm.

(9) Which party is more likely to maintain a loving, stable, consistent and nurturing  relationship with the child adequate for the child’s emotional needs.

(10) Which party is likely to attend to the daily physical, emotional, developmental, educational and special needs of the child.

(11) The proximity of the residences of the parties.

(12) Each party’s availability to care for the child or ability to make appropriate child-care arrangements.

(13) The level of conflict between the parties and the willingness and ability of the parties to cooperate with one another. A party’s effort to protect a child from abuse by another party is not evidence of unwillingness or inability to cooperate with that party.

(14) The history of drug or alcohol abuse of a party or member of a party’s household.

(15) The mental and physical condition of a party or member of a party’s household.

(16) Any other relevant factor.

Again, with limited exception, these sixteen factors are the basic criteria by which a family law judge should make a custody determination in Pennsylvania. Only the judge can decide how much weight to give any one factor. Some factors can, and should carry more weight than other factors. Every case is different. Every judge is different. Factor sixteen (any other relevant factor) gives a court the wide range ability to look at any other relevant factors in your specific case. Conviction of certain criminal offenses will also be taken into consideration.

If the parents of the child can agree on a custody arrangement that meets the best interests of the child, without court intervention, that is usually the best scenario. Parents (and those who stand in loco parentis to the child) are normally in the best position to know what is truly in the best interests of their own child.

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